candy

It’s Halloween Again! Yes!

So, folks, this is going to be a quick post, only because in a number of minutes I will have to stand guard on my front porch and deal out candy to the brave little kiddies who dare step up the sidewalk.

I will be silent.

I will be still.

I will be terrifying.

I will…probably be cold; thankfully, though, I have a sweatshirt on beneath this orange suit.

Whaddya say? Pretty sweet get-up, or what? My mom made the mask–feels creepy.

Those other two are my brother and sister, yes, and how truly adorable they are in their odd costumes, eh? It’s a sort of tradition to take a picture of all of us dressed up; and my God, I cannot express enough how much I love this holiday!

So, that said, I wish all of you a Happy Halloween and hope it will be as scary, or, as pleasant, as you want it to be.

Get out there and Trick Or Treat, people! Time is a-wastin!

Still, remember to have fun, huh? Don’t get too fat off candy either.

I know I might.

Think daily,

A Southpaw

GHOSTS AND GOBLINS…and Nougat

It has finally arrived–the time has come to celebrate the scariest night of the year; although some would argue that title belongs solely to the evening before Black Friday; however when attending to that evil realm of the dead there is no better occasion than Halloween.

I remember my first Halloween–perhaps not my first, but the one I can recall. I was in a kickin’ Spider-Man outfit–of course I used the Tobey Maguire rendition–that contained a loose fitting mask. And when I say loose fitting I mean loose. This thing would not stop slipping beneath my eyes; and whenever I yanked it back to normal it seemed to slip further…

It was sweaty, too; if that has any relevance. It did make me feel like Tobey Maguire though, specifically the scene in which Spider-Man is trapped with the Green Goblin inside a burning building. You should have seen the puddles I made.

But being the careless child I was,and sometimes still am, I continued wearing this crappy Wal-Mart movie licensed outfit. To those of you who have visited Wal-Mart in their Halloween phase–followed a day after by the Christmas Eve phase–please do not purchase the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles styrofoam shell or the plastic Power Rangers wristband. Take it from me–the wristband does not initiate the ultimate Power Rangers transformation; as a matter of fact the plastic crinkles a little when you jab at the button.

How exciting.

Okay, okay; get to the point, right? Why am I keeping you strapped to your chair as I reminisce on terrible Halloweens from an otherwise brilliant childhood? You want candy. You want toilet paper thrown on your house. Some of you may go trick or treating tonight–I honestly have no idea; hell, I might trick or treat myself.

What you choose to do tonight is your prerogative, soldier. You can hold out those bags and scream for king sized candy bars; or you can cower in your basement as a kiddie Michael Myers pounds on your front door. Will you answer the Halloween call? Will that kid ever pass out in that unbreathable mask? The questions! The questions!

I will now release you, you candy craving captives. Go out and haunt that unfathomable night like the devilish bats you–uh-oh.

Word of advice: never eat all the candy in the bowl.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Think daily, 

A Southpaw

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Halloween Stereotypes

As in Christmas there are those who either despise the song and dance or enjoy it so much they start inserting their Bing Crosby CDs on the evening of Thanksgiving and shake their legs like Rosemary Clooney–there are as well types for Halloween; call them characteristics attributed to certain kinds of people on the scariest night of the year.

Most can think of one or two types: the Halloween Humbug and the Lunatic Decorator, as those are common personalities when it comes to celebrating holidays; however I know of so many more which identify solely with All Hallow’s Eve.

Presenting the Halloween Stereotypes! And live from New York it’s Saturday–never mind…nothing to see here…

Moving along:

The Halloween Connoisseur: These are the people who show up to your party for one reason: to educate everyone on the traditions and did-you-knows of the Halloween season. Their facts range from the truth behind turnips as pumpkins, the use of masks to scare away ghouls, and every type of candy ever used in this marketing craze.

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Does not wear a Halloween costume to the party
  • Wears instead Halloween themed clothing
  • Chats up anyone within ten feet of them
  • Drinks five cups of the orange flavored fruit punch
  • Leaves halfway through the party

The Movie Maniac: This is the best friend who has a collection stuffed with boxed sets of Nightmare on Elm Street; Friday the 13th; Halloween; and unfortunately Leprechaun–damn it, Warwick Davis! When it comes to celebrating Halloween they prefer lounging on the couch with bowls of candy as they re-watch their favorite scary movie…for the thirteenth time.

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Wears shirts depicting slashers chasing after their victims
  • Hangs horror movie posters on any empty space in their bedroom
  • Says, “We all go a little mad sometimes” in the awkwardest situations
  • Prank calls people using a Ghostface voice changer
  • Has slasher masks set on pedestals around their home

The Candy Hoarder: Those individuals you tend to find milling endlessly around the candy aisles at Wal-Mart or Target; all Halloween is to them is a sweet fest; a sugary rush. They will not hand out their treats because they will be eating them themselves. Expect candy hoarders to steal the bowls off the doorstep…

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Has chocolate smudges on the corners of their lips
  • Has a Choco-Belly–the term describing the gaining size of stomachs from eating candy
  • Sticks snack sized treats in their pant or coat pockets
  • Goes to the store to stare at the shelved candy

Three stereotypes down, twenty nine left to go…you get it?

Do you know of any holiday stereotypes?

Think daily,

A Southpaw