The Return of the Halloween Stereotypes!

Yo, yo, yo, everybody! I couldn’t stay away from you guys for long without feeling lonely…

Hey, didya know tomorrow’s Friday the 13th? Didya also know I can’t write a post on Friday the 13th because I’m working all night? Yep. Making money sucks.

Any who, just like last year, I hereby present to you the infamous Halloween Stereotypes:

The Halloween Music Fanatic: Just as there are White Christmas fans, so are there Monster Mash fans. These weirdos listen to loops of I Was A Teenage Frankenstein in one ear, while, in the other ear, they are jamming out to Nightmare On My Street–a classic by the Fresh Prince.

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Vacant stares
  • Are constantly humming creepy tunes
  • Hang orange and black lights as their haunted jukebox plays
  • Headphones–lots of headphones

The Candy Thief: What’s that you say? Why, yes, this does apply to parents; but they deserve their own list of stereotypes. These miscreants steal bite sized goodies out from under your green painted nose–then, they eat it in front of you! MUAAAAAHHHHAAAA!

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Briefcases in which to stow their stash
  • Sunglasses–at night
  • Sucky costumes
  • Rampant acne
  • Compulsive drooling

The Store Wh–I mean–

The Store Bore: Ever known one of those people who loves to go to Wal-Mart in October to see the Halloween section? How about a person who visits the costly costume stores working out of rented Circuit Cities? At least a few, right? Or not–hell, even I fall into this category.

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Drains the gas every weekend
  • Has money which burns literal holes in their pockets
  • Becomes bored within fifteen minutes of visiting their favorite store
  • Wants to buy the animatronics way out of their price range

Well, that’s six so far, only twenty-five left to go…

Heh. That’s a lot.

I wonder if I’m that creative?

Think daily,

A Southpaw




Oh, The Types of People You Meet In College…

I like to think of myself as a pretty intelligent dude. I graduated high school, for one; also, I ponder the deeper questions of the universe constantly, such classics as, “How long to cook macaroni and cheese?” and “Do dogs really love us, or are they more affectionate towards the food we give them?”

I’m on the average level of smart is what I would call it. Trust me, there’s no secret Will Hunting/Steve Jobs conspiracy going on behind closed doors. What I know is what I know, eh?

You getting me, folks?

Segway into college, and here we are at UCCS, one of the many centers of knowledge dotted across this gigantic blueberry of ours. Classes are long, packed; sometimes it doesn’t seem as if they have an ending–but, they do, trust me.

Now, this isn’t a complaint about college classes. Hear me out, I genuinely love this unstoppable access to knowledge that you can only find in a college campus; however, it’s some of the people in these college classes that have me confused, even lost, as to their motivations.

I know what you’re gonna say.

Well, why don’t you focus on your own life, not theirs?

Trust me. I am top priority…not in a creepy, arrogant way, but in–ah, forget it.

There are these types of people in my classes–I should say, specific types of people–that I observe when, yes, I should instead be listening to the lecture. You have to understand, though. I got a compulsion to watch people, to figure them out, and not in a stalkerish way, either.

For example, in my Politics class, there’s one dude who talks like he just walked out of a Brain Factory. One of his choice phrases is “pragmatically speaking;” and when he said it in class, I was thinking, well, hell, I forget what that means, but o-kay.

We are training to be scholars, after all, so give a guy a cheer, right?

Then there’s the people who, when an assignment is due–or, when we had to have read something–raise their heads and stare off into the abyss I like to call, The Oh-No-I-Just-Screwed-Up-Big-Time Abyss.

Four pages of math questions? Nope.

A diorama of the Crossing of the Delaware? No–and, for that matter, who’s doing dioramas in college?

I admit, I am in the Oh-No Abyss sometimes…more frequently in the past few days, but, that’s another story for another time.

Lastly, there is the smallest minority of college classes, the ones…who say nothing at all, have no expression, and take their notes like the dutiful students they are.

And I’m pulling your leg, in truth, because we’re all like that, at least I think so.

I have been known to sit and stare and note take–I mean, take notes; of course, all of what I just wrote when I am not drifting off into the treacherous bowels of my own mind and humming, to myself, the songs I heard on the radio that morning.

What’s a few Katy Perry ditties gonna hurt, huh?

The rest of the class is humming Katy Perry–I just know it; and if they say no, then they are all dirty liars.

And, oh, look at that, I created two new types of people in college classes–

Mind-Hogs and Pop Star Wannabes.

Ya do whatcha gotta do, man, ya do whatcha gotta do…

Think daily,

A Southpaw


The Halloween Stereotypes

As in Christmas there are those who either despise the song and dance or enjoy it so much they start inserting their Bing Crosby CDs on the evening of Thanksgiving and shake their legs like Rosemary Clooney–there are as well types for Halloween; call them characteristics attributed to certain kinds of people on the scariest night of the year.

Most can think of one or two types: the Halloween Humbug and the Lunatic Decorator, as those are common personalities when it comes to celebrating holidays; however I know of so many more which identify solely with All Hallow’s Eve.

Presenting the Halloween Stereotypes! And live from New York it’s Saturday–never mind…nothing to see here…

Moving along:

The Halloween Connoisseur: These are the people who show up to your party for one reason: to educate everyone on the traditions and did-you-knows of the Halloween season. Their facts range from the truth behind turnips as pumpkins, the use of masks to scare away ghouls, and every type of candy ever used in this marketing craze.

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Does not wear a Halloween costume to the party
  • Wears instead Halloween themed clothing
  • Chats up anyone within ten feet of them
  • Drinks five cups of the orange flavored fruit punch
  • Leaves halfway through the party

The Movie Maniac: This is the best friend who has a collection stuffed with boxed sets of Nightmare on Elm Street; Friday the 13th; Halloween; and unfortunately Leprechaun–damn it, Warwick Davis! When it comes to celebrating Halloween they prefer lounging on the couch with bowls of candy as they re-watch their favorite scary movie…for the thirteenth time.

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Wears shirts depicting slashers chasing after their victims
  • Hangs horror movie posters on any empty space in their bedroom
  • Says, “We all go a little mad sometimes” in the awkwardest situations
  • Prank calls people using a Ghostface voice changer
  • Has slasher masks set on pedestals around their home

The Candy Hoarder: Those individuals you tend to find milling endlessly around the candy aisles at Wal-Mart or Target; all Halloween is to them is a sweet fest; a sugary rush. They will not hand out their treats because they will be eating them themselves. Expect candy hoarders to steal the bowls off the doorstep…

Identifiable by these traits:

  • Has chocolate smudges on the corners of their lips
  • Has a Choco-Belly–the term describing the gaining size of stomachs from eating candy
  • Sticks snack sized treats in their pant or coat pockets
  • Goes to the store to stare at the shelved candy

Three stereotypes down, twenty nine left to go…you get it?

Do you know of any holiday stereotypes?

Think daily,

A Southpaw