Oh my gosh, I think I may have a Christmas induced heart attack; quickly someone grab the candy cane defibrillators and throw me on a snowflake stretcher–call my Uncle Rudolph, tell him I always hated that glaring nose of his; and, and—

Is he dead?

Nope. Alive and kicking, all thanks to you random emergency personnel! You got a name tag? I think I want to mail you a Christmas present: how do socks sound for a guy like you? You look like a sock guy. A Hanes guy–let me pen that on a sticky note.

Well, that was fun. But it was not nearly as fun as getting all my presents this morning. Let’s see, a couple of vinyl records–oh, do I hear cheers of joy?–some books of short stories–quite a catch–and a-a Nirvana t-shirt?

Holy Coal Elves! Nirvana! I love those guys!

Raise your hands, everyone–Nirvana fans? Eh? I got one…two…and there’s three.

You guys are great. I have to send you all fruitcakes now, you know; it’s a tradition with me. That said: I hope everyone loves fruitcake as much as I do; if not, then you’ll have to settle with these chocolate chip cookies I baked this morning. Tough choice…

Okay, now, open mic session. I want at least three of you to come up here and tell us what you found under the Christmas tree this morning–speak loud and proud; and let Santa Claus hear those festive words come spewing out of your gingerbread encrusted mouths.

Disregard that image, please, disregard it. I am in a ditzy mood today, what with all these sugary confections–love that word–to stuff inside my stomach, which; as a matter of fact, is also celebrating Christmas…well, as long as the lights aren’t eaten by the acid.

Anyone care to start? Oh, note this, if any of you are here for the Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting, it’s in the other auditorium. Yeah. I wanted to let you know…in case things started getting strange when we were talking about reindeer night clubs–and some of those can get seriously steamy; it’s a wonder the North Pole hasn’t melted yet.

I suppose I could begin–take the microphone here…brought a list of the stuff I got…

From the top: a one super radical Nirvana record; a one equally super radical Rolling Stones record; a one okay radical Van Halen record; a one okay radical–

Is no one else bored? I certainly am. Hell, originally, I was gonna sip some egg nog and watch Christmas Vacation; but apparently I had somewhere to be tonight. Understand, I was totally going to invite you guys, honest truth. I didn’t even write a speech.

Oh, you have notecards? No thanks. I-I’ll pass for now; but later…keep ’em in reach.

So…Christmas…fun times. I see some of you wore your sweaters; Snoopy, a badass as usual; and Santa– wait, is that a picture of him…no! Put that away! We have children here! Go on with your nasty self. Wearing a sweater of Santa riding a Harley Davidson; what is happening to the world these days?

Well, I think I might lie down, got a tummy of gingerbread and ham and soon to be fruitcake. You can let yourselves out. The doors were locked; but I decided that was too Die Hard…have to be original around here.

Happy New Year–and…what is it? Oh. Merry Egg Nog Drinking!

Think daily,

A Southpaw