Hello, all you good citizens of the Earth and everything else in it, not including those damned irritating DMV’s or the absolutely frivolous need to pay taxes…and bills…and debts…and–uhhhh…

Ahem. I am a man.

Yes, gasp in delight, go oooh and aaah, and make sure there’s stars twinkling in your eyes. Your whole routine has done a complete 360 because of the information you have just learned. It is–well, it’s supposed to be–life changing, and perhaps a little funny, or heartbreaking or tragic…or…

I’m doing it again!

I get to buy my own cups of water now; yes, if a feeble, old man were selling paper cups of water at the entrance to Wal-Mart, I would take out my handy-dandy credit card, and I would obtain the water like no other consumer had done before–and never would again.

On a more subtle note, since I am eighteen, the world has opened up to me, except for the part about drinking; in which case, the world has slightly opened up to me, but only enough that the dust has been blown off the bars of the gates. For your information, they are still so closed I cannot fit through the gap.

And that is not an opportunity to make a fat joke! ‘Cause I’m not, really! Does 500 pounds say fat to you? I didn’t think so! Now keep your opinions to yourself, you stupid twig creature!

God, those branches–they get everywhere, and let’s just leave it at that.

Tomorrow, as a matter of fact, I think I might go watch a movie by myself, for the second time! Hell yeah, my man–that is outstanding! Einstein himself could not have come up with something so brilliant and boundary breaking! Please, take the Nobel Prize already; in fact, take them all, cause that idea is just…so…

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, I’m a big, tough manly man. Hope you’re listening, ladies, cause this is about to get real insane, real fast. I lift marshmallow bags daily. I run from the sidewalk back to my front porch. I eat whey protein shakes for the hell of it…and because they taste nice.

See? What’d I tell you? Nothing but macho; although, I might just be living vicariously through my dogs on that second one. What? No, I don’t drink out of water bowls! Are you crazy? Just leave me alone, and let me get back to eating Milk-Bones, all right? I eat when I’m stressed!

Mmmph…these things are tasty–

Wait, no, you didn’t see anything. Quick, put up the manly defense!

Think daily,

A Southpaw